Prologue/Chapter 1.1

In order to combat the debacle of the outside world I decide to start putting up parts of my Work in Progress every couple of days for those that are interested.  It’s VERY rough, and I’m aware that there are going to be plot holes, bad grammar, and other horrible things.  I haven’t named this yet either….

 

Prologue:

 

The moon was at its apex when there was a soft knock on the door. 

 

“Who is it?” the woman asked sharply as she peered over the papyrus scroll in front of her. 

 

“Azere, your highness. I have news” the man shuffled his feet, anxious to be out of the night. 

 

The Lady sighed, rolling up the scroll and putting it in the drawer of the desk. “You may enter”.

 

Azere opened the door of the Round House, quickly shutting it as not to let the autumn wind disturb the contents of the library. He bowed to The Lady, standing at attention. 

 

The Lady rolled her eyes asking with impatience, “what news do you bring?” 

 

“Your daughter has been found, Lady.”

 

The Lady started suddenly before regaining her composure.  “After 24 years you think that she was found? She is too smart for that. It is probably some mortal that looks like her, that is all.”  The Lady turned to sit back down as Azere said,

 

“She is dead, your highness.”

 

The Lady turned and was suddenly in front of Azere.  “Dead? How?”

 

“She was murdered, my lady.  She was living in Kansas City, Missouri.  I am told that she was stabbed with a silver dagger, and they carved runes into her.  I’m sorry, my lady.” Azere bowed his head, waiting for the tidal wave he knew was to come.

 

The Lady stepped back from him and closed her eyes.  Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and stared at Azere.  “Runes, Azere? What sort of runes? What was their purpose? My daughter has not used her inheritance since she left the Sanctuary.  She most likely no longer could use it.”

 

Azere shfted uncomfortably and looked at his feet.  “They appear to be from the Lightbringer worshippers.  We are unsure of why they killed her or why they marked her.  They were the power runes, my lady. The ones that project outwards.”

 

The Lady abruptly moved and held the door open for Azere.  “Thank you, my trusted kin. Please, I must say the prayers and be alone for now.  Tell no one that the Prayer of Peace is gone. I will announce it tomorrow with the moon.” 

 

Azere bowed and walked out of the library. 

 

The Lady took a deep breath, pulled a piece of chalk from her pocket, and with shaking hands drew a circle with a line crisscrossing it on the floor.  She stepped into it and with a soft voice called, “Raphael”. She waited another minute and spoke his name once more. After another minute with no response she raised her voice.

 

“Rafe, if you know what’s happened you will talk to me.  Please. I beg of your mercy.”

 

A man appeared before The Lady, clothed in a white robe, his hands clasped together in front of him.  Of average height, he met The Lady’s blue eyes with his own green eyes and nodded to her. “You’ve been begging for mercy a lot more lately than ever, Lady.”

 

The Lady wiped the tears from her eyes and took a shuddering breath. “Yes, well, millienia will do that to you I suppose.  You have heard what has happened to my daughter, I assume?”

 

Raphael nodded, a look of sympathy passing over his gaze.  “I have, Lady, and I am sorry. I know you were hopeful of her.”

 

“Please, let me see her one last time, Rafe.  I know it’s in your power. Please, just let me talk to her.  It’s been over two decades since I’ve seen her.” The Lady implored the man.

 

Raphael sighed and nodded his assent.  

 

“Hello, mother” said a voice behind The Lady.

 

The Lady turned quickly, drinking in her daughter’s appearance.  Though faint she could still see the red hair, the blue eyes, and the slight smile on her face.

 

“Arabella,” The Lady whispered, trying to touch her daughter’s face.  “I am so so sorry-”

 

“Please, Mother, I don’t have much time and since you have called me here I would like to ask a favor of you.”

 

“Anything, my sweet, anything”.  

 

“When we are done here I would like to see my daughter before I’m gone”.  The world came crashing down around The Lady, her knees buckling with weakness.  Raphael brought her a chair and she sat in it, nodding her thanks.

 

“A daughter? How old? Is she…” The Lady asked quietly.

 

“Twenty three, mother, and yes, she is of the blood.  More powerful than any I have ever seen. I taught her to cloak at a young age so she wouldn’t be found.  She has no idea. I hid everything from her, Mama, but because of my work I was able to educate her just the same.  She is beautiful, and kind, and smart, and feisty as hell. I hope she has been protected enough to stay hidden from this world.” Arabella looked at her mother, driving home her intentions. “She needs to stay away from here, from you, do you understand?”

 

“Ari, my child, I don’t know if that’s possible”.  As Arabella had been speaking, The Lady understood why the runes had been carved and what the purpose was. “Your inheritance, the blood, is it all gone from you? What did you do to keep it away?” She asked frantically.

 

Arabella looked away from her mother and murmured, “no.  It’s never been fully gone. In fact, it’s probably more potent due to my locking it away.  I fed only when I had to and only to cloak myself. I have been famous in the mortal world for all these years and you never knew it”.

 

The Lady closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  “You arrogant fool. Yes, it will be more potent and do you know what they did to your body, I would guess as you were taking your last breath? They marked it, Ari, they put runes of projection on your body.  If your daughter sees them, if she recognizes runes, she will inherit your blood as well. She will be the most powerful of several generations, she will be almost as powerful as me. Why, why did you hide and do this to me? And to her?”

 

Arabella reeled back in shock and covered her face with her hands.  “I-I thought I was protecting her. I wanted her to have a normal life.  I wanted to have a normal life. I did not want to be the Prayer.”

 

“Well now you are the condemnation of the sanctuary most likely.  Everyone here will be gone because you wanted normal. Is there anyone who knows of you? Of this place? They will have to bring her here for her protection now.”

 

“No, NO.  She can’t…”

 

“She must.  It’s the only way.”

 

“A friend of hers is a seer, a descendent of Cassandra, she shares the name.  She knows or suspects what we are but has never said anything. But no, my daughter, please, Mother, let me speak to her.  Let me say goodbye and tell her not to go near the body or look at the runes. Please, if you still have love for me, please, Lady of the Moon, please.”  Arabella cried.

 

The Lady looked at Raphael who nodded back at her.  “As you wish, Arabella. Daughter of the Lady, The Prayer of Peace, the Hope of the Lost.  May you rest at last. May you sing the songs of joy that you were taught. May you love over us and keep us safe.  May your daughter be blessed and found. So it shall be done”. The Lady blew a kiss to her daughter. “One last question.  What did you name her?”

 

“Amara,” Arabella said as she faded from sight.  “Her name is Amara.”

 

Raphael looked at the Lady one more time and asked her, “do you know what will happen now?  The Lightbringer tribe will be looking for her. They will want to use her strength for themselves.  She will have the strength to unlock the door. He must not be woken.”

 

The Lady stood up, using her foot to wipe the line out from the circle.  “I am aware, Rafe. It seems the timetable has been sped up. We thought we had more time with Arabella running away, and we were waiting for the next generation to see who would be strong.  It appears we have that answer now. Plans must be made.”

 

Raphael nodded and replied, “I wish you Godspeed, Lady. Maybe you should never have had a child with him”. 

 

The Lady retorted, “you act like there was any choice in the matter.”

 

Raphael raised his eyebrows in surprise and then understanding flooded his eyes. 

 

“Lady, all these years and you never said…”

 

“What would have been the point, Rafe? I am evil, remember?” she said bitterly. 

 

Raphael faded, and replied, “if only that were true…”

 

“Amara”.

 

I sat straight up in bed, reaching over to my lamp and turning it on.  I looked around my room, noticing the normal shadows from the oak tree in the front yard, the chair holding my clothes under the window, and the paintings on the walls.  

 

I took a deep breath and looked around again.  I was sure I had heard my name, in a voice similar to my mother’s, and it woke me up from a dead sleep.  It couldn’t have been; she was most likely asleep in her own home.

 

Knowing I would not be able to go back to sleep, I pushed the covers off my pale legs, grabbed my black sweatpants off the ground where I always leave them, and opened my bedroom door. There was a shadow moving towards my kitchen. I quickly closed my door, locking it, and grabbed my phone off the nightstand, poised to dial 911 and report a dead intruder.

 

I opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out my Ka-Bar knife that I kept nestled in its sheath.  Slowly stepping back towards the door, I opened it quietly, breathing through my mouth, and scanning the hallway.  I saw the shadow move again and I stepped lightly towards the kitchen, the knife held loosely in front of me.

 

I peeked around the corner in the kitchen and saw nothing but my curtains blowing in the breeze.  I didn’t remember leaving the window open but stranger things had happened. I guess the curtains were causing the shadows.  Shrugging, I walked into the kitchen to shut the window.

 

“Amara”.

 

I whirled around to find the voice and saw an outline of my mother standing by my refrigerator. I could see through her but it was her…and a dark stain across her chest and abdomen.  I gasped and held up my knife to her.

 

“Mom? Is that you? I swear I didn’t drink that much last night,” I said softly as I rubbed my eyes with my right hand.

 

The apparition rolled it’s eyes and held out its hand.  “Holy Soundgarden, child, you see your mom’s ghost and you think that you drank too much? I am a…I was a demonologist, you would think that you would have remembered something from what I’ve told you.”

 

“Well yea, but I didn’t expect to be woken up by the ghost of the mother I talked to a few hours…wait.  Mom…you’re dead?” My voice faltered as what I was seeing finally sunk in. My mother was dead.

 

“Amara, I don’t have much time. It’s not usual for someone to be allowed to appear so soon but I pulled some strings. I know, baby, I know, I’m so sorry and I’m going to miss you but you have to listen to me right now, do you understand? You’re in danger, horrible danger, and I need you to listen to me,” Mom raised her hand to caress my face as usual but there was nothing but cold air.

 

I swallowed back a sob and nodded to her.  My mother is, was, a demonologist who spoke at paranormal conferences around the globe.  She was the best paranormal researcher in the world and she was famous for it mostly due to her no nonsense approach and her refusal to be used as a charlatan.  

 


“That’s a good girl.  The police will be here soon to tell you that I’m dead and have you identify my body.  I’m not in good shape and there are runes cut into my abdomen. Do not look at them, whatever you do. They will most likely show a video feed of my body to you but if they don’t you must not look at anything besides my face.  Do you understand me?” I nodded to her and opened my mouth to ask a question.

 

“No, there isn’t time, baby.  Call Cassandra and have her stay with you, okay? Don’t have a ridiculous funeral, burn me, say the words, and then let me go, do you understand?” She looked at me imploringly, my beautiful mother, wishing she could embrace me as much as I did her.

 

“One last thing, Amara, my love, my beautiful daughter, I need you to keep your cloak on, do you understand? Keep it tight and don’t let it down even a little, especially not near those runes.  Terrible things will happen if you don’t stay cloaked. Do you remember how to cloak?” 

 

“Cloaked? You mean that game we played when I was a kid? I haven’t thought about that in years.  That’s a weird request, mom, even from you, and even on this very weird night”.  

 

“Amara, you are cloaked right now, it’s an instinct now, and it was no game.  You have to remember not to let it drop, do you understand me?”

 

I sighed as I did frequently when my mom gave me instructions and nodded.  “Yes, I will cloak.”

 

My mother sighed, as she did frequently when talking to me, and then smiled.  “My time is up, daughter of mine. I will not be able to contact you for a while or maybe not ever, I’m not sure.  You are my greatest accomplishment and my greatest love,daughter of the moon, prayer of the lost, seeker of the found. I have done everything for you and your protection.  I love you so much, Amara.” She again tried to caress my face and tears started pouring down my cheeks.

 

“Momma, I love you.  I’ll remember. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” I bent over sobbing, trying to hold in the pain.

 

“Hush now, hush.  The police will be here soon and they can’t know that you already know, okay? Dry your eyes.  I love you,” my mother, Arabella Darlow, said her last words as she faded before my eyes.

 

The police knocked on my door an hour later. I had enough time to sob uncontrollably, wash my face, and lay back down to have creases in order to appear to have been asleep. They were very gentle when they told me of my mother’s death and requested me to identify the body. I changed into jeans and a hoodie and took a few minutes to call my best friend, Cassandra.

 

She answered the phone with, “I know, I’m so sorry, Mari. I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

 

“Cass,” I choked out, “you don’t have to be there…”

 

“Yes, Amara, I’m afraid I will most definitely need to be there,” she said softly. I told her goodbye and headed to the front door. Cassandra was psychic, a find of my mother’s a few years ago. She had been living on the streets of the Paseo, telling fortunes and trying to keep the pimps at bay. Mom brought her to live with us and saved her. 

 

I stepped into the kitchen and told the officers I was ready to go. I followed them out the door, locking it, and got into the back of the patrol car. 

 

I remembered my mom’s weird request about the cloak and remembered being five or six and getting ready for school. 

 

“Okay, Mari, are you ready to go? Lunch packed in your bag? You have your coat?” 

 

“Yes, and yes!” I replied, excited knowing the game way coming. 

 

“And now we cloak! We pullllll it around our shoulders,” she singsonged as we both pretended to throw a cloak around our shoulders, “and we pullllll it tight! Then we pull the hood over our heads, and we are safe from the cold, safe from the dreary, safe from the dark, and safe from the weary! Only the light, the happy, and the love shall fall on us!” we sang as we patted our imaginary cloaks into place. I always thought the song was a way to teach me not to let bullies and scary things get you down but now I began to wonder… 

 

We arrived at the hospital and the car pulled around to the back. The officer let me out and walked me to a nondescript door. “We’re taking the back entrance, Miss Darlow, that way you won’t have to walk through the whole hospital.” 

 

I nodded at him, going through the door, “my friend, Cassandra, is going to meet us there. Will she be able to find us?” 

 

The officers glanced at each other and then nodded. “If she asks for the morgue then they will be able to find us. Please, follow me.” The officer turned and walked down a long hallway and I followed him. 

 

We arrived at the morgue and they had me sign in. An intern nodded at the officers and then glanced at me. “I’m sorry for your loss, miss. Our video feed is acting up and you’ll have to view the actual body. I apologize for the trauma.”

 

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at the intern. “it’s fine. It will be traumatic no matter how I do this. My friend, Cassandra, will be here shortly.” 

 

The intern replied, “she can’t come into the morgue, I’m sorry, but she can wait here.”

 

I thanked him and then looked at the officers. “I’m ready.” 

 

The tall officer nodded his head and ushered me to a door to the left of us.  He held the door open and we walked into the cool, gray walled room. A bald man stood beside a covered body, his face a mask of sympathy.

 

“Ms. Darlow, my name is Dr Michael. I am so sorry that you have to do this but as her only living kin we have to have you identify that this is your mother.” 

 

“I understand,” I said as I mentally braced myself and pulled my cloak even tighter.  

 

Dr Michael nodded at me and murmured, “good girl. Brace yourself”.

 

I glanced at him as he pulled the sheet from my mother’s face and then looked down. It was a shock but not as much as seeing her in my kitchen less than two hours ago.  Her alabaster skin was almost translucent now with the loss of blood. Her curly red hair framed her face like a halo. She looked like she was sleeping on that cold table and my eyes brimmed with tears.  Her lips would not curve in a soft smile anymore, her eyes laughing as she watched the world through the lens of someone who saw more than most people. I had lost my mother, but the world had lost even more.

 

I nodded and looked at Dr Michael. “That’s my mother.  Arabella Darlow. Can I go now?” 

 

The doctor nodded his assent and I turned away.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw the tall officer grab the sheet over my mother and rip it off the table.  I tried to turn away, remembering my mother’s words, and the short officer spun me towards her.  

 

I tried to shut my eyes but before I could I caught a glimpse of the runes.  Pain lashed my chest, as though I had been stabbed as well, the runes crisscrossing my stomach to match my mother’s wounds.  A silver glow came from her body and connected to me as I tried to breathe. The officer still held onto me, keeping me from moving away, though I was unsure if I could anyway.  

 

I could feel my cloak unravelling as I tried to keep my scream inside me.  New emotions swelled in me as I looked at my mother. Rage, triumph, sorrow, and glee swirled inside me as I tried to get away from the officer. 

 

Dr. Michael grabbed the tall officer and stabbed him with a short silver knife he pulled from his coat pocket.  He pulled the knife and slashed the man’s throat, muttering under his breath in a language I almost understood.  

 

The shorter officer finally let go of me, and the bridge that glowed between my mother and I died.  I pulled my cloak tight around me again, and tried to run for the door. Dr Michael grabbed my hand, whispering urgently, “Amara, you don’t understand, I have to prot-”.

 

The officer reached towards the doctor and I jerked myself free.  The door swung open and Cassandra grabbed me. “We must leave. Now.”

 

I followed her out the door, running towards the door we had come in, the intern watching us leave with cold eyes.  

 

“You can’t escape the Lightbringers,” she called.

 

Cassandra replied, “the Lady of the Moon says otherwise” as we ran into the night.

 

 

 

The eternal not long enough moment

The dude and I attended the Knotfest Roadshow (Behemoth, Gojira, Volbeat, and Slipknot) in Bonner Springs, Kansas this last Saturday and as always happens when I attend a concert, I came away with more faith in humanity and a better person.  I know that most people think that metal music is just screaming negativity and noise, that everyone who attends are “freaks”,that it’s dangerous, that people are looking for fights, and whatever other ridiculous stereotypes there are available.

 

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

Corey Taylor, the lead singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour, author, and human extraordinaire, stood before thousands of us and summed up quite nicely why we are metalheads.  To paraphrase him to the best of my ability, “look around you. These are your friends and your family. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other. It doesn’t matter what your skin color is.  It doesn’t matter who you love. It doesn’t matter what language you speak. We are all family.”

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Family

 

Metal concert goers are some of the most accepting people in the world as it should be considering science has shown that metal listeners are highly intelligent and gentle souls (no, I don’t have a link. Google it.). You look around and you don’t see any one thing that makes a metal head. Every concert shirt imaginable is worn at the venues (pro tip: wear a color other than black so your friends can find you if you’re lost). There are the punk princesses wearing their best leather, fish nets, and eyeliner so sharp it could cut through glass.  There were those wearing jeans, work boots, and a tee shirt. There were some (like me) who looked like they were attending their kid’s baseball games (because it was effing hot out. Mad props to the leather wearers for their dedication). There were “F*ck Trump” shirts and shirts about standing for the flag.  There was every walk of life in attendance, from the very young to the gray haired Metal Elders.  

 

And a massive majority of us got along, smiled, thrashed, head banged, danced, sat and watched, and enjoyed a rare moment of solidarity.

 

In a world of social media where communication and solidarity is vast and far between, taking the time to be with others who share your passions is instrumental to the survival of our sanity.  At that concert, no one was solely a Trump supporter, a gun control advocate, a Christian, an Atheist, a Muslim, a Democrat, a Libertarian, a Republican, or any other Capital word that we put before “human”, because we aren’t all just one thing besides human.

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Right before Slipknot came on, everyone with their phones out.  The majority of these would be put away within a few minutes.

 

When Corey Taylor tells you we’re all family and you see thousands of people raise their fist in the air, throw some horns, and yell themselves hoarse, you start to believe that maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem in the world.  That one moment, that lasted an eternity and also just not long enough, will carry me through the hard times of reading hatred on the internet. Remembering how I got lost in the music, focusing my attention completely on other people and how fantastic they are at just being themselves, not being the least bit self conscious as I walked through crowds of people, as I head banged and danced, will get me through until the next concert that reminds me what it means to be alive. Remembering Jennifer, who bought me an eleven dollar drink because I didn’t realize I was at a cash only tent and how she said, “I’ve got you” and we talked about paying it forward as I made her take a picture with me so I could commemorate her on social media will get me through the next time someone is rude to me.  Remembering the girl I sat beside outside the hotel the next day, talked with for an hour about everything from music, our kids, her ten year sobriety, and how everyone needs to relax and enjoy life will get me through the usual hours of mindless small talk.

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Jennifer, (on the left) the human being a bro.

 

We built these short relationships around one thing: a love of metal music.  These moments are few and far between anymore but they highlight how the world can be better.  Build a relationship on one small thing that can then expand to other small things. Build a dialogue and have a conversation with someone and find your similarities instead of your differences.  

 

I’m sure the next day that everyone was back to complaining about The Other (whatever that might be to them). I’m sure that some people there had negative experiences and not as good of a time as I had but I will always remember those moments from the concerts I attend; when a mass of individuals, for one eternal not long enough moment, stood as one and said, “We are not your kind”.

Self esteem bought by another person is fatal

I was shopping for a few clothes today, a dress, a few shirts, maybe a swimsuit, and my goal was to find clothes that weren’t overly revealing.  When I had this thought I stopped for a minute, a shirt in my hands. For the first time in decades, I was not trying to find clothing that showed my cleavage.  

 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently wrong with showing cleavage, and I was blessed in that department.  I mean sure, they sag more than I would like but being in my early 40s, having had 3 kids, and ya know, having massive boobage, it happens. Going alone to the grocery store whilst wearing a tight shirt will garner glances that I never thought about too much(going with the dude, no one glances, fancy that).  Lately though when it happens it makes me uncomfortable. The difference is that I am no longer using my body to show my worth.

 

In high school, I was average looking.  I was often told that I was ugly but looking back I’ll say I was average instead of going with what the assholes said.  What I did have was boobs. Big ones. Guys stared, girls made derogatory comments, I wore shirts several sizes too big to hide them. But I did learn a horrible thing.  They got me attention.

 

That’s a hard thing to admit.  I used my body to my advantage to get something I should have been providing for myself: self worth.   

 

I could say that I’ve changed because I’ve been in a committed relationship with a fantastic dude for almost 2 years but it’s really more than that…though he is the impetus that has led me to these thoughts.  Not that he cares if I wear low cut shirts at all but more about what he has taught me in this time together. 

 

I am more than my body.

 

He’s not one to compliment on looks (or much of anything, really) and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  He does everything through actions. He listens to my opinion because he respects it and my intellect. He laughs because he thinks I’m funny (believe me, you’ll know if he doesn’t think you’re funny). Don’t get me wrong, he likes the way I look, he just loves me a whole lot in ways that I’ve never been loved before. This was hard for me at first (and sometimes still is) because I was so used to attention being paid to the physical alone. When you’re insecure and feel that you are judged on your looks all the time it’s hard to realize what true love and affection is when it’s shown to you (well hello there, toxic behavior). The dude has been massively helpful with my self esteem not because he loves me (though that is an amazing thing in itself) but because we talk about what I base my self worth on.  He listens to me without judgement (okay, a little judgement, he is human), he asks probing questions that he truly wants the answer to, and he has helped me examine why I think the way I do.

 

I always see myself as a puzzle.  I’m constantly rearranging pieces, trying to make the angles fit, and some are harder than others.  My self esteem is one of them that I’ve tried to shove where it doesn’t belong (appearance) for years and it made the other pieces line up wrong.  This one finally hit with a decided click when it finally was placed correctly.  

 

I look at young girls and women today who are striving so hard to look a certain way, to have a certain body, who want to be different than who they are, and I hurt for them because I was them.  They think that men (or women) will make them worthy and that they are just being carefree girls, living their “best life” by having people chase them and that sex is just them doing what they want.  Self esteem bought by another person is fatal. Let me say that again. SELF ESTEEM BOUGHT BY ANOTHER PERSON IS FATAL. Attention seeking behavior takes a part of your soul away every time. You’re not your own person then.  Having sex with multiple partners is not going to bring you peace, happiness, or self actualization. It’s detrimental to who you are because it’s based on one small aspect of you. Looks change. People grow fat, they get a bad haircut, they get in accidents and lose appendages, and they age.  You have to base your worth on you. You have to work on your toxic traits. You have to pay attention to what truly makes your soul happy and not for just a night or for someone glancing at you.

 

I think back over the years and I feel ashamed for how much of my soul I gave away.  I am ashamed that I ever thought that I had to debase myself to be loved. I feel ashamed by how much I used my body to get what I wanted in some aspects of life.  I feel ashamed that I became so used to people talking about my breasts that I started rolling with it and would make jokes that made me uncomfortable. I feel ashamed that I ever thought it was okay for men to stare and make comments that were crass.  I feel ashamed that I let this happen. Should people have acted this way? Well, no, but it doesn’t matter what they do. It matters what I do.  

 

Self awareness isn’t always a comfortable feeling.  It involves shame. It involves embarrassment. It involves a bit of some very real talk with yourself.  What happens afterwards is the amazing part. It means forgiveness, for yourself and others. It means a sigh of relief that the puzzle piece finally fit. It brings peace as you accept yourself for who you are, pluses and minuses as you work to reduce the bad aspects of your personality that you’ve picked up along the way.  It gives more than it takes away though because it brings the freedom to be yourself.

 

I’ll probably still wear revealing clothing occasionally but now it will be for me. It will be because I like the way I look in them, not to get attention. I don’t need attention to my body to have self worth anymore…I’m sure I’ll have slip ups and return to self destructive behavior at times because I am not perfect. I know this, I accept this, and I forgive myself for this. That’s really all you can do.

Listen.

I take the words, “shut up” pretty hard.  These are words I have been told my whole life, they are words I’ve said my whole life, and they are absolutely offensive to me.  (Side note: my “name” in my Senior Memories book, given to me by the Yearbook class who made it, was “Shut up”. In my defense, this was because I would tell people to shut up in high school because they were interfering with my reading of books that had nothing to do with whatever subject was being taught at the time.).  It’s not offensive because it’s rude. It’s not offensive because we want the other person to provide silence. It’s offensive because we want people to shut up when we don’t want to listen.  

I have this driving need to be understood and to understand.  Half the time I feel like I’m speaking a different language than everyone around me and that they understand a few words of what I’m saying and then they take out of context how the words were fit together.  If I don’t feel understood, I get agitated, I get louder, I get defensive, and I get angry. These aren’t helpful to my goal. I’ve been called a lot of names, I’ve been blocked, I’ve been told to get off my soapbox.  Sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s funny, and rarely do people just say, “I understand”. I think this is why listening is so important to me. Because I know what it’s like to not be heard. I know what it’s like for people to roll their eyes, sigh heavily, and ignore what you say.

 

One of the greatest things that I ever learned in college was active listening.  It’s taught in case management classes and hostage negotiation classes. Active listening is the art of showing that a speaker is heard.  It’s paraphrasing, summarizing, and in essence, it’s empathy. Empathy is a word that gets thrown around a lot without much thought into utilizing it.  Empathy requires listening to all sides of a debate, it is required to understand where someone is coming from on an issue you don’t agree with at all and you don’t care what the other side says.  Empathy is lacking in partisan politics at the moment because we are so bent on name calling and being right.

I am me.  I am a small town girl who grew up surrounded by Christian Conservative Republicans (some of the best people I know), who go to work, go to church on Sunday, cheer at their kids ball games, stand for the flag and are proud as can be of our nation’s military, and just want the freedom to continue living their lives as they have always lived them…and there really isn’t anything wrong with that.

I am also the friend of gays, minorities, liberals, Wiccans, Atheists, Agnostics, Socialists, and every space in between and they’re some of the best people I know.  All they want is freedom to live the way they see fit and there really isn’t anything wrong with that.

I am just me.  I’ve had my share of traumas in life and I’ve spoken about some but not others.  Here are things that I am not and the reason I listen to all sides:

 

I am not a young black male growing up in an inner city.

 

I am not a cop who deals with the sickness and evil in life on a daily basis.

 

I am not a gay woman trying to make her way through and being terrified that her Christian Conservative family will no longer love her or accept her if they know. 

 

I am not a woman from Central America who is surrounded by crime and death and who is looking at entering another country in order to protect her children.  

 

I am not a white man who has stood on the ground of the “sandbox” and put myself in between my ideals and a threat.

 

I am not a Muslim who was raised to believe that Americans hate me and that while my country is at war with America, I have to fear for an errant bomb to hit a school bus and kill my children.

 

No one is the same in life.  None of us have the same story, the same thoughts, or the same beliefs.  That doesn’t mean that we don’t have things in common. Love. Freedom. Wanting the best for our children.  The list can go on. We all think we know the right way. We all think that our beliefs and faith are the only way.  There are things we will never agree on at all. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t listen to each other and allow each other freedom.

Active listening requires us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and to walk a little bit. It isn’t listening to refute or to try and find a flaw in their argument so you can win.  It means listening. It shows respect. Name calling is the exact opposite of listening. “Snowflake” “Nazi” “Libtard” “Repug”. Throwing these names around does nothing to help further your goal of attempting to get people to listen to the words you say and all it does is get people pissed off.  

Listening does not have to mean agreement.  I listen to a lot of things I don’t agree with and a lot of people with opinions I am not a fan of but I listen because I want to understand.  I listen because I want to know what they base their ideas on. Listening to someone will not hurt you.

This country, this magnificent country that was founded on freedom, that was founded on unalienable rights that are not given by the government but by the Almighty, has always been contentious.  How could it not be when it was founded on the basic right to disagree? The only difference that we are seeing now is that people no longer want to listen to the other side. We are so stuck in our echo chambers that anything we perceive to go along with a topic that we aren’t comfortable listening to we want it to stop.  Is this really new? Well, no. Think of all the people, that were told to shut up and how they said, “no” and went on to change the world. To paraphrase some lines from Hamilton, history has its eyes on us…and it’s up to us who tells our stories.

My treatment plan

Okay folks, sit down, get a drink, this is going to be a long one.  I haven’t written about my journey through/with/of depression in awhile so I thought I’d give everyone an update. Now, this is MY story, MY life, so before you read it and get to the end and scoff, feeling like you could never do this…remember that everyone is different.  This isn’t a judgement on people. This is my attempt to help others see that there is hope. So here we go for a journey into my demented mind….

 

I’ve had maybe one relapse of depression in two years.  

 

Just one.

 

What set me on this course of treatment that I gave myself was a couple TedTalks that I watched that discussed neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning or experience or following injury.  Well, my thoughts on this were that depression is an injury. Attachment disorders are an injury. I was off the meds by then because I was so frustrated with them trying to add more when one wouldn’t work.  “Oh, Viibryd makes you jittery? Here, have some Klonopin. Your mood is everywhere? Here, take some Topamax”. While I still had enough original thought I completely weaned myself off the meds. I was starting to lose who I was.  I was on the path to become an automaton. I value my individuality entirely too much to let that happen.

 

This is the moment I started becoming self aware.

 

Self awareness is one of the biggest keys to my treatment.  It can also be called the “common denominator effect” (I just coined that.  Don’t steal it.). Basically I made myself look at every single bad thing that had happened in my life and what was the common denominator? Oh, that was me.  Yes, I’ve been mentally abused, cheated on, mentally abused again, had attachments violently ripped away that left me adrift, and had people be truly horrific to me.  Why did all this happen?

 

I let it.  I put myself in situations where it could happen.  I did not have the presence of mind to recognize sociopaths. I ran at red flags like they were a dare waving in the wind.  I had no boundaries in which to protect myself from attachment.

 

I did this to myself.

 

So instead of demeaning myself for these behaviors and instead of dwelling on them…I forgave myself.  I realized that I had to take responsibility for my actions. Along with that I had to fix it. I had to fix whatever it was in me that thought I deserved poor treatment.  

 

I had to start loving myself.  I had to be able to look in the mirror and not cringe.  Not because of my looks but because I saw fear in my eyes.  Fear of being hurt. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Fear of myself.  And I had to stop hitting the self destruct button.  Happiness and contentment scares the daylights out of me.  I had to breathe and be okay with it.  That one is still hard for me to deal with honestly.  I might touch the button but I never press it.

 

Self Awareness was my first step to recovery.  I looked myself in the eye and said, “you have to change or you are going to die”.  Maybe not even a physical death but I was completely losing trust in myself. I was losing my core values.  I was letting other people’s integrity become my own. I refused to let that happen.

 

Well, in those TedTalks and others they speak of how we can literally change paths in our brains with just thoughts.  I decided to try visualization. It wasn’t an immediate fix. It took awhile to get it to be effective but it does work for me.

 

One of my biggest areas I needed to improve was how attached I got to people and how their problems started affecting my life.  I have always seen relationships with people as threads that bind you together. Some are a single thread and others are so strong that they become ropes, ya dig?  Anyway, I started imagining different colored threads for people. I pictured the threads connecting me to that person. I took a deep breath and I used my mental scissors to cut the cord.  Now this might sound easy and trite.

 

It wasn’t.  I argued with myself about some cords.  Being an extremely empathetic person, it is hard for me to deal with feeling “alone”.  I did it though. At first, it was just a simple exercise. After time though it quieted the anxiety.  I was okay without being “attached” to someone all the time. My brain recognized that fact after awhile.  The other person was okay AND their life was their life. They didn’t have to be tied to me to survive.

 

Well, this visualization exercise turned out pretty good so I moved on to others.  When negative self talk was happening I pictured a stop sign and redirected my thoughts. Sometimes I had to picture a brick wall.  This started paying off in huge amounts. Guess what? You don’t enter crappy relationships if you have self respect and self worth.  I no longer based my worth on who liked me.

 

The greatest hurdle to cross was the depression.  My visualization for it had to be a bit more elaborate.  I picture my soul as a pale gold orb…about the size of a basketball.  I hold it in my hands and I clean it. I wipe the soot of depression off my soul.  Sometimes I have to scrub but it gets off there eventually. I take deep breaths as I do this and I let all other thoughts go away.  If anxiety is an issue I think of the golden orb being covered with bright red parasitical blobs. Anxiety is harsher than depression, it will dig in and not want to let the racing thoughts go.  I pry these off and clean the stains. Sometimes, I can have depression and anxiety still based on hormones. My normal visualizations weren’t working. I came up with hormones make your blood run hot.  So now I picture getting an injection of something cooling. I visualize the needle going into my skin and releasing coolness (if you’ve ever had an IV just picture that feeling when they inject the saline in).  This really worked great for me.

 

Why does visualization work?  I could give you a bunch of medical jargon and such but you’re already doing so well reading this far that I won’t bore you with it.  It basically comes down to mindfulness and living in the moment. We are constantly thinking of the past, the future, and everything else in the world.  If we can lose ourselves for even a minute it helps our brain heal itself. There are numerous studies done on this subject.

 

Once I became self aware and was able to get through the rough times I realized something.  I was glad for the bad times. Why? Because they shaped me. Would I be the empathetic, critical thinking, creative badass that I am now without them?  I don’t have an answer for that. I just know that I am grateful for every lesson that life has taught me because it has made me someone that I am proud to be…including my faults.  

 

With gratitude and self awareness came another realization.  I was talking to the Dude (yes, there’s a dude, he’s pretty nifty) about a bunch of things as we do but I think it was about creativity and depression and I remember that I leaned in and told him something I had never said aloud to another person.

 

“The truth is, I like the darkness”.  

 

Yep.  There it is.  The darkness is a part of me just as the light is.  I’ll give it another term: Passion. Here is a most excellent quote by Joss Whedon about passion,

 

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

Without the darkness would I be able to touch people with my writing?  Without the battle with the monster would I know how to help people? The trick isn’t to get rid of the darkness.  The trick to find the balance of the passion. If you go over to either side too far you’ll be sucked back in. Everything is about balance.

 

Which leads to my other coping mechanism: Creative outlets.

 

There have been numerous studies done on the parallel ride that creativity and mental illness take, some of it linking it and some of it saying there isn’t a link (correlation does not equal causation…you’re welcome, Dude).  I’m not your Google mommy, go search for it yourself. I do know this much: If I don’t write or sing or do SOMETHING creative, the depression tries to come back (no! Bad boy! Stay down!). If I don’t get rid of pent up emotion in some way…be it sadness, frustration, happiness or the ever present rage…the darkness will tip the scale.  It’s a requirement for me.

 

So let’s recap.  This is my experience.  So far it has worked. Maybe it wouldn’t work for you.  Maybe it would. There is no harm in trying.

 

Self awareness (or the common denominator effect).

 

Visualization aka being in the moment

 

Gratitude for the lessons learned from the bad things

 

Accepting your darkness

 

Let the passion out.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Maybe it will help one person. Do your own research on all the things mentioned.  Maybe I’m not as crazy as I sound…

Writing prompt 

Writing prompt: Who were you? Before they broke your heart?

Why ask this question? It’s ridiculous.  I was no one, of course.  Oh, I know you expected to hear, “I was full of sunshine and roses; unicorns danced around me in ecstasy and I dreamed of nothing but my white prince and the future.”

What a horrible cliche. Really.  Aren’t we beyond that in life yet?

My heart was broken when I was born.  You see, when you’re in utero, you’re in the most secure and content place there is to be.  Oh, sure, some will say it isn’t but compared to this world?  Compared to the

He said, she said

War

Famine

Lust

Rage

Deception

Insurrection

Pity

And the worst sin of all…

Apathy,

Compared to these evils, what is a newborn baby?  Our hearts are broken when they take away our food, they are broken when our parents aren’t in the room, they are broken when our first friends turn from us, and they are broken when we are told not to fuss.

We are broken.

Or maybe you wanted to hear about the heartbreak of first love?  What is there to say?

I did.

He didn’t.

It was just the first of many times of having to turn with a straight back, walk casually, smiling at strangers, only to finally make it to solitude.  There I could let the agony out.  There I could feel the rejection, the abandonment, the loss, without being judged.

Or maybe the heartbreak of death….of how they were just there and now…they’re gone.  Of how you never lose the hole it creates and you try to fill it as much as possible but only the self destructive things work and they’re slowing sending you to an abyss…

Full stop.

The lesson from heartbreak that needs to be learned is a simple one:  It’s not how to avoid it.  It’s not how to build your walls and prevent it from ever happening again.  

Those things are easy.

The lesson is to remind yourself that you have survived and that you will again.

“If this person leaves me; I will survive.”

“If this person dies before me; I will survive”.

I know of no other way to be but to survive.  We all do it every day.  And we’ll do it again tomorrow.

Just…

Survive.

Angles

I took a picture of myself to send to a friend today and as I looked at it I was a bit ashamed.  Not from the overabundance of boobage or of how I’m wearing very little makeup but because all I could think was, “I am not that skinny”.  In the first picture, I am standing, with the camera up high and giving him an incredulous look (he’s quite ridiculous at times).  In the second picture, I am sitting down and I called it my “truth in advertising” picture.  I wasn’t sucking in my gut, pushing my chest out, or using filters.  It was all about angles.  We all do that at times, don’t we?  We use an angle to our advantage.

 

photogrid_1486259712900

 

The angle isn’t always about looks.  It’s in the way we present ourselves to the general population.  We make ourselves look better than we feel we really are.  Note: I said FEEL.  We rarely advertise our faults, insecurities, irrational behaviors, or anything else that makes us who we really are as a person.  We want people to like us so we give them what we think will be liked.

 

There is no vulnerability in angles.  Angles are all edges that show no softness.  If we were to tell people, “hey, the reason that I feel this way about a certain topic is THIS”, well..they might laugh at us.  Talk or think bad about us.  They might *gasp* realize that we are human.

 

Every single one of us is a story in the making.  Every single one of us has good sides, bad sides, shady sides, and some sides that we don’t even want to encounter ourselves.  We mask it with angles, with clothes, with makeup, with filters, with anything that we can get our hands on.  Some of us mask ourselves with personalities and attitudes that are off putting in the hopes that no one will realize inside we’re just mush.  That we are bitten by the sharpness of the world and that we cringe on a daily basis because of the lack of respect and love for people who are just like us in that they are imperfect as well.

 

As a society we need to accept that everyone of us is imperfect.  That we are all just as messed up as the person who gives the angle of having it together.  It takes a single moment in your life to make that facade crash down.  How much easier it would be to put ourselves back together if we met ourselves head on instead of from an angle.

 

Accepting the pain of the last year

I have spent the last year stagnant.  I have simply survived the day and kept doing the same thing over and over again.  There has been very little done with passion or intention.  As I wean myself off of the antidepressants I am now having to deal with a year that was very hard.  While on the meds I didn’t even realize to what extent I was not paying attention to my life.  Now I sit here and I’m lost.  I have no goals.  I have no direction.  I am full of indecision and I despise indecision.  And yet…and yet with a grateful heart I will look into the last year…and the coming one…and ask for more to be thrown at me.

 

On February 6th of last year I lost one of my best friends to a brutal murder.  My chest is still so heavy when I think of it which is often.  I think of the fear in her last moments.  I think of the life that was cut short.  I think of the laughter we shared and how she would never want me to still be in mourning.  I mourn Mary Lou though, I mourn her immensely.  Grief is a funny thing that while we are trying to fit it in our heart with all the love and joy that we had with that person it sometimes starts to eclipse it.  Our love turns into rage and denial that someone can be gone from our life in an instant and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.  Death…is the only guarantee in this life.  

 

On February 13th my on again off again boyfriend of 9 months told me that he loved me but he “needed to figure some things out”.  This after 3 months of him sometimes living with me, playing a father role in my kids life, being unemployed, and then when he went back to work he left me and got back together with his ex wife who he always said was “his best friend but he wasn’t still in love with her”.  I have forgiven him.  I even emailed him and told him I wished him well.  My God, it still hurts.  I loved him beyond all reason.  It hurts to be taken advantage of, to be set aside, and to know that he is now married to someone else.  I have to forgive him though or I would never be able to move on.  

 

On November 28th my ex-husband, and the father of my youngest, died by suicide.  We had not seen him in 8 years.  8 years that he sometimes didn’t pay child support, that he never contacted her, 8 years of being so mad at him I couldn’t stand it.  8 years of missing him, and knowing that I would have taken him back even knowing that he was a habitual liar and cheater.  I never stopped loving him really.  I mourned him for 8 years and now it seems I’ll be mourning him for a bit longer.  The amount of rage I feel towards the man has grown.  He left me another mess to clean up.  He left her with the loss of hope.  No longer can she think that maybe she would see him when she got older.  He’s gone.  I still miss that man and the way he made me laugh.  

 

This past year was a year of many doctor’s appointments and the diagnosis of Celiac Disease and possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis.  My health has gone downhill quite a bit and I’m so very tired all the time.  I just want rest.  Physical, spiritual, and emotional rest.

 

I don’t write all these things to show “oh look.  I had a really shitty year!  Feel sorry for me!”  or, “oh yea? You think you have it bad? Look what happened to me!”.  I write this because I will be grateful for the things that rip my heart out.  If I had not lost these people, if I had not gone through this pain, would I be who I am?  Stretching back through all the years when you think of all the sorrow, joy, struggle, triumphs, and sometimes the vast expanse of nothing-all of these things made you who you are.  I could hate them and hate who I have become.  The past few weeks I’ve been struggling to find the words and to find the emotion that I am feeling.  I am feeling stagnant.  Restless.  Uncomfortable. These are feelings of future growth.

 

If I didn’t have depression would I have the compassion for others that I do now?  If I didn’t have physical pain would I have the empathy for suffering that I have acquired?  If I hadn’t lost loves and lost loved ones to death, would I have a heart that gives more than it ever takes in?  

 

Most importantly, if I had not had this life would I be able to write effectively and reach so many people so that they don’t feel alone?

 

Feeling grateful and blessed to have felt this grief, loneliness, helpless, and rejection is what I was meant to learn.  I spent most of the year in a stupor, having no clear idea of what I was doing.  I still don’t really know but I am learning and I am growing.  Pain is about growing.  You learn from it.  Sometimes you just learn that you are tough enough to withstand the pain.  Sometimes you learn that you have to accept it and not wish it away.  Pain will always be here while we’re alive.  It’s what we do with it that matters.
Even as I am being battered by the storms of life, ridiculed, forgotten, maimed, judged, and deceived- I will lift my face to the sky and ask for more. It is not my place to be comfortable but to comfort. It is not my place to be accepted but to accept. Storms bring renewal after the damage and they reveal the truth by blowing away that which isn’t solid. Give me the storm that I will know the strength of my roots and the beauty of a life that was tested.

Falling off the wagon

I fell off the wagon.  I’ve smoked for the last 27 hours.  I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to deny that it happened.  In fact, I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long with the amount of stress I’ve been under as well as how much pain I’ve been in.  For a few reasons, though, falling off the wagon has been a GOOD thing.

 

If I hadn’t fallen off the wagon I never would have realized how much better I feel when I don’t smoke.  I know that seems silly but when you first quit all you can think about is the loss.  Giving up an addiction (at least for me) is like losing a piece of myself.  I don’t know if I’m going to be the same person, I don’t know if I’m going to think the same, I’ve spent the majority of my life as a smoker.  It’s a scary thing to take something away that has habitually been there.  The thing is, I am always me.  Take me down to the bare minimum of vices, and I am still me.  A bitchier, more tired, more emotional me, but in essence still me.

 

If I hadn’t fallen off the wagon I wouldn’t have realized how much I hate smoking.  I hate taking the time to go outside and smoke.  I hate smelling like it.  I hate that I feel a burning in my throat.  I hate having to take regular breaks to go smoke.  I hate dependency.  On anything.

 

Tomorrow I will start again as a non-smoker and I’ll have learned my lesson on it (hopefully).  I don’t feel ashamed or like a failure.  I feel like a student and that I learned a lesson.  

 

Snippet from Whiskey Bent

This is a story that lives in my head.  I haven’t worked on it lately but I’m getting there.  Background: Whiskey Malone grew up poor in a small town in Missouri called Blue Lake.  Her father was nowhere to be found and her mother died when she was twelve.  Whiskey came back to the town after college to run a bar on the lake.  That’s all I’m telling you for now! Happy reading!

 

“Well, if it ain’t my favorite shot,” rumbled a southern drawl that would have made Rhett Butler jealous.

 

I looked up and smiled.  Two of my favorite out of towners were standing at the bar smiling at me like I was the first woman they had ever seen…and they liked what they saw.  Therein lied the secret to Jared and Jasper’s likability, they loved women and they oozed charisma.  Neither of them were more than moderately attractive, both standing about five feet ten inches and built like brick walls: strong arms, barrel chests, sturdy legs, but their eyes are what saved them from being looked over.  A clear, perfect, ice blue that conveyed exactly what they would do to you with a single word of affirmation and a quiet place.  The eyes were exceptional but there was just something about the Tully boys that made you feel like you could tell them your deepest, darkest secrets and they would hold you in their arms and make love to you…or rough you up.  In short, they would do whatever it took to make you satisfied.  

 

Luckily all they had to do to make me smile was to show up and drink.

 

I moved out from behind the bar and was engulfed in a massive hug from Jasper.  After he had squeezed my ass and winked at me he passed me on to Jared who did the same but one upped his brother by pulling my hair out of the clip holding it off my neck.  My red hair tumbled down my back in waves and the brothers sighed.

 

Jasper said apologetically, “we’ve been waiting all year to see the fire ignited”.

 

I laughed, grabbing my clip back from Jared, and put my hair back up.  “What can I get you boys? A beer? Some shots?”

 

Jasper answered, “we’re heading out on the water early; we’ll take some shots, sweetheart”.  I grabbed their brand in bottles, twisted the tops off and handed them to the boys.  “I’ll start a tab and there are a couple beauties from Colorado hanging out in the back corner.  If I were y’all I’d stake a claim before the rest of the crowd gets here. I’m sure they would like to meet some Georgia boys” I winked at the brothers and sent them on their way; two boys who would never grow up until forced…or tied up.  

 

I sighed and turned towards the grill to see if there were any orders up.  I loved Jared and Jasper dearly but they opened up a hole in my heart that I normally filled with work.  The one downside to their amazing personalities…they made you want something.  Sometimes you weren’t even sure what it was but you wanted.  The boys would be in their cabin for the next two weeks, fishing by day, romancing the girls by night, but I knew they would show up for an off night at my cabin.  Just three friends around a fire pit, enjoying companionship.  It was the most…and the best…thing I could hope for in my life.