Self esteem bought by another person is fatal

I was shopping for a few clothes today, a dress, a few shirts, maybe a swimsuit, and my goal was to find clothes that weren’t overly revealing.  When I had this thought I stopped for a minute, a shirt in my hands. For the first time in decades, I was not trying to find clothing that showed my cleavage.  

 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently wrong with showing cleavage, and I was blessed in that department.  I mean sure, they sag more than I would like but being in my early 40s, having had 3 kids, and ya know, having massive boobage, it happens. Going alone to the grocery store whilst wearing a tight shirt will garner glances that I never thought about too much(going with the dude, no one glances, fancy that).  Lately though when it happens it makes me uncomfortable. The difference is that I am no longer using my body to show my worth.

 

In high school, I was average looking.  I was often told that I was ugly but looking back I’ll say I was average instead of going with what the assholes said.  What I did have was boobs. Big ones. Guys stared, girls made derogatory comments, I wore shirts several sizes too big to hide them. But I did learn a horrible thing.  They got me attention.

 

That’s a hard thing to admit.  I used my body to my advantage to get something I should have been providing for myself: self worth.   

 

I could say that I’ve changed because I’ve been in a committed relationship with a fantastic dude for almost 2 years but it’s really more than that…though he is the impetus that has led me to these thoughts.  Not that he cares if I wear low cut shirts at all but more about what he has taught me in this time together. 

 

I am more than my body.

 

He’s not one to compliment on looks (or much of anything, really) and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  He does everything through actions. He listens to my opinion because he respects it and my intellect. He laughs because he thinks I’m funny (believe me, you’ll know if he doesn’t think you’re funny). Don’t get me wrong, he likes the way I look, he just loves me a whole lot in ways that I’ve never been loved before. This was hard for me at first (and sometimes still is) because I was so used to attention being paid to the physical alone. When you’re insecure and feel that you are judged on your looks all the time it’s hard to realize what true love and affection is when it’s shown to you (well hello there, toxic behavior). The dude has been massively helpful with my self esteem not because he loves me (though that is an amazing thing in itself) but because we talk about what I base my self worth on.  He listens to me without judgement (okay, a little judgement, he is human), he asks probing questions that he truly wants the answer to, and he has helped me examine why I think the way I do.

 

I always see myself as a puzzle.  I’m constantly rearranging pieces, trying to make the angles fit, and some are harder than others.  My self esteem is one of them that I’ve tried to shove where it doesn’t belong (appearance) for years and it made the other pieces line up wrong.  This one finally hit with a decided click when it finally was placed correctly.  

 

I look at young girls and women today who are striving so hard to look a certain way, to have a certain body, who want to be different than who they are, and I hurt for them because I was them.  They think that men (or women) will make them worthy and that they are just being carefree girls, living their “best life” by having people chase them and that sex is just them doing what they want.  Self esteem bought by another person is fatal. Let me say that again. SELF ESTEEM BOUGHT BY ANOTHER PERSON IS FATAL. Attention seeking behavior takes a part of your soul away every time. You’re not your own person then.  Having sex with multiple partners is not going to bring you peace, happiness, or self actualization. It’s detrimental to who you are because it’s based on one small aspect of you. Looks change. People grow fat, they get a bad haircut, they get in accidents and lose appendages, and they age.  You have to base your worth on you. You have to work on your toxic traits. You have to pay attention to what truly makes your soul happy and not for just a night or for someone glancing at you.

 

I think back over the years and I feel ashamed for how much of my soul I gave away.  I am ashamed that I ever thought that I had to debase myself to be loved. I feel ashamed by how much I used my body to get what I wanted in some aspects of life.  I feel ashamed that I became so used to people talking about my breasts that I started rolling with it and would make jokes that made me uncomfortable. I feel ashamed that I ever thought it was okay for men to stare and make comments that were crass.  I feel ashamed that I let this happen. Should people have acted this way? Well, no, but it doesn’t matter what they do. It matters what I do.  

 

Self awareness isn’t always a comfortable feeling.  It involves shame. It involves embarrassment. It involves a bit of some very real talk with yourself.  What happens afterwards is the amazing part. It means forgiveness, for yourself and others. It means a sigh of relief that the puzzle piece finally fit. It brings peace as you accept yourself for who you are, pluses and minuses as you work to reduce the bad aspects of your personality that you’ve picked up along the way.  It gives more than it takes away though because it brings the freedom to be yourself.

 

I’ll probably still wear revealing clothing occasionally but now it will be for me. It will be because I like the way I look in them, not to get attention. I don’t need attention to my body to have self worth anymore…I’m sure I’ll have slip ups and return to self destructive behavior at times because I am not perfect. I know this, I accept this, and I forgive myself for this. That’s really all you can do.