Angles

I took a picture of myself to send to a friend today and as I looked at it I was a bit ashamed.  Not from the overabundance of boobage or of how I’m wearing very little makeup but because all I could think was, “I am not that skinny”.  In the first picture, I am standing, with the camera up high and giving him an incredulous look (he’s quite ridiculous at times).  In the second picture, I am sitting down and I called it my “truth in advertising” picture.  I wasn’t sucking in my gut, pushing my chest out, or using filters.  It was all about angles.  We all do that at times, don’t we?  We use an angle to our advantage.

 

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The angle isn’t always about looks.  It’s in the way we present ourselves to the general population.  We make ourselves look better than we feel we really are.  Note: I said FEEL.  We rarely advertise our faults, insecurities, irrational behaviors, or anything else that makes us who we really are as a person.  We want people to like us so we give them what we think will be liked.

 

There is no vulnerability in angles.  Angles are all edges that show no softness.  If we were to tell people, “hey, the reason that I feel this way about a certain topic is THIS”, well..they might laugh at us.  Talk or think bad about us.  They might *gasp* realize that we are human.

 

Every single one of us is a story in the making.  Every single one of us has good sides, bad sides, shady sides, and some sides that we don’t even want to encounter ourselves.  We mask it with angles, with clothes, with makeup, with filters, with anything that we can get our hands on.  Some of us mask ourselves with personalities and attitudes that are off putting in the hopes that no one will realize inside we’re just mush.  That we are bitten by the sharpness of the world and that we cringe on a daily basis because of the lack of respect and love for people who are just like us in that they are imperfect as well.

 

As a society we need to accept that everyone of us is imperfect.  That we are all just as messed up as the person who gives the angle of having it together.  It takes a single moment in your life to make that facade crash down.  How much easier it would be to put ourselves back together if we met ourselves head on instead of from an angle.

 

Taking my life back

I’ve come to the conclusion that I absolutely do not need to date. I don’t want to become one of those jaded,men-hating women. I know that there are great men out there that treat women well. I know that. I also know that they don’t want me. They aren’t interested in a broken woman. The only ones that are interested in an emotional mess are the ones that are predators. That’s the only way I know to describe men who take a woman who is broken,trying to put the pieces back together, and then take a hammer and shatter them some more. I can’t put myself back together if I keep letting people in my life who scatter the pieces to the wind where I can’t even find myself anymore.

I will find myself though. I will put the pieces back together. I will not let this be the end. I’m a fighter. The biggest fight of my life is keeping my sanity. No man is going to take that from me. I won’t let them. For me, life is a war. I lose some battles. I have some glorious victories. I gain some ground against the enemies and sometimes I lose ground and then have to recoup. I get weary of the battles at times and I feel like surrendering. But I don’t. I get back up and keep fighting. I have many battle wounds and I’m pretty scarred up. The only thing of beauty that I still own is the fact that I keep fighting. A warrior.

So time to focus on me and mine. Time to get back to working out and eating right. Time to get my finances straight and my house straight. Time to remember who I am and to remember what I don’t want to become. It’s time to pick up my sword and be badass. The fighter still remains.