There are layers upon layers that swirl around, not stopping because of other pathways, but making new ones or going through the existing ones. I try to follow one path only to end up on another one and then another only to find out that I have been going in a circle all this time. Defeated, dejected, and somewhat perplexed, I look around trying to find the right path. The one that will lead me to the clarity I had not minutes before. By now there are so many intersections, pathways, interruptions, responsibilities, other thoughts that I want to pursue that I am so lost it hurts to breathe. My chest heaving, I look around for a guide, a signpost even, that will direct me to where I go. Everyone sees my confusion and starts telling me the path that they took to get where they wanted to be or they tell me to look above. I look above and the Almighty smiles tenderly at me and tells me that He has given me the directions I just have to find them. Disgruntled, I keep searching but by now the exhaustion has come and it has decided that what I need is sleep. Sleep will help me figure it out.
I try to sleep. I lay my head down, say my prayers, and try to go to that quiet place where I can rest. There is no rest though. There are more thoughts and directions I feel I should be taking as well as the dreams. Dear Lord, the dreams. The dreams that seem so real, and he feels so real, but he’s not, and he never was and he is gone. I wake up, always, at 3:30 am. I have yet to figure out what is so important about that time. I try and sleep for a few more hours. I wake up, exhausted. Wanting nothing more than to rest but I have many miles to walk through the day. Always seeking out what I can’t find. If I could just find it, that place that I seek, where there is rest, compassion, solace, clarity, and softness then I could be content. The world is so dark, and hard, and negative, and striving, and grasping at me. It’s this monster that is always telling me I am not good enough, never going to get enough done, that my kids are better off without me, that everyone is against me, their laughter and jeers follow me everywhere, and I can’t get off this merry-go-round that is my life.
I see glimmers of hope sometimes but then reality comes in and takes it away. My hands, my poor, bleeding, swollen, hurting, helping hands are battered beyond belief at what has become of them. Where I would love nothing more than to help people I am left attempting to help myself. There are some days that I can’t even keep myself together let alone others. Those are the hardest days. The days in which I want to do so many things but I can’t. I can’t get up and do the dishes, or vacuum, or even put on makeup. My mind is so exhausted that my body collapses. My kids are there needing me, needing me to be okay, needing me to support them, and there are times I just can’t.
And so starts the circle again, trying to find the way back, trying to find the light, trying to follow the cues that I’m given, and I just want rest. Is that so bad? Can’t we all just rest?