Can’t we rest?

There are layers upon layers that swirl around, not stopping because of other pathways, but making new ones or going through the existing ones.  I try to follow one path only to end up on another one and then another only to find out that I have been going in a circle all this time. Defeated, dejected, and somewhat perplexed, I look around trying to find the right path.  The one that will lead me to the clarity I had not minutes before.  By now there are so many intersections, pathways, interruptions, responsibilities, other thoughts that I want to pursue that I am so lost it hurts to breathe.  My chest heaving, I look around for a guide, a signpost even, that will direct me to where I go.  Everyone sees my confusion and starts telling me the path that they took to get where they wanted to be or they tell me to look above.  I look above and the Almighty smiles tenderly at me and tells me that He has given me the directions I just have to find them.  Disgruntled, I keep searching but by now the exhaustion has come and it has decided that what I need is sleep. Sleep will help me figure it out.  

 

I try to sleep.  I lay my head down, say my prayers, and try to go to that quiet place where I can rest.  There is no rest though.  There are more thoughts and directions I feel I should be taking as well as the dreams.  Dear Lord, the dreams.  The dreams that seem so real, and he feels so real, but he’s not, and he never was and he is gone.  I wake up, always, at 3:30 am.  I have yet to figure out what is so important about that time.  I try and sleep for a few more hours.  I wake up, exhausted.  Wanting nothing more than to rest but I have many miles to walk through the day.  Always seeking out what I can’t find.  If I could just find it, that place that I seek, where there is rest, compassion, solace, clarity, and softness then I could be content.  The world is so dark, and hard, and negative, and striving, and grasping at me.  It’s this monster that is always telling me I am not good enough, never going to get enough done, that my kids are better off without me, that everyone is against me, their laughter and jeers follow me everywhere, and I can’t get off this merry-go-round that is my life.  

 

I see glimmers of hope sometimes but then reality comes in and takes it away.  My hands, my poor, bleeding, swollen, hurting, helping hands are battered beyond belief at what has become of them.  Where I would love nothing more than to help people I am left attempting to help myself.  There are some days that I can’t even keep myself together let alone others.  Those are the hardest days.  The days in which I want to do so many things but I can’t.  I can’t get up and do the dishes, or vacuum, or even put on makeup.  My mind is so exhausted that my body collapses.  My kids are there needing me, needing me to be okay, needing me to support them, and there are times I just can’t.  

 

And so starts the circle again, trying to find the way back, trying to find the light, trying to follow the cues that I’m given, and I just want rest.  Is that so bad?  Can’t we all just rest?

Self care

It’s a bitch to try and maintain your emotional health whenever you’re lonely.  Loneliness can easily lead to depression.  It’s that short step that you take from one room to another.  I’m fighting it.  Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting too hard and I need to just feel it.  I can understand feeling the loneliness, it’s fleeting.  Depression is a hole that it gets harder every time to pull out of the darkness.  I’ve left bits and pieces of myself on the edges of that pit whenever I’ve fallen into it.  I’ve got numerous scars and wounds from the battle.  I’m still here.  

 

I try to take care of myself and constantly watch to make sure I don’t take that fall.  Self care is so important to those of us that battle self destructive tendencies.  I’ve written before about how people consider it selfish to take care of yourself.  It’s not selfish.  It’s a “have to” for me.  I can’t function as a mother, friend, employee, or any other hat I wear if I don’t put myself first at times.  

 

Thanks to Zoloft, I am able to step back from the edge easier.  It’s still there.  I feel the loneliness and the edge more clearly today though.  I’ve been having to think about what I need to do to take care of myself at the moment so I don’t slip.

 

  1. I have to eat better.  Keeping my sugar and carb intake down is so important to my mental health.  I’m not really sure why but it does play a big difference in keeping myself from having an overwhelming amount of anxiety.
  2. Sleep.  I have to get more sleep.  Having fibromyalgia, this is almost impossible at times.  I hate taking medication to sleep because I feel so out of it in the morning.
  3. Mindfullness.  I haven’t been practicing it like I should be.  I’ve half assed it a little bit but nothing major.
  4. Avoiding toxic people and drama.  I stay at home most of the time anymore.  Lately I can’t tolerate even the smallest amount of drama without clenching up and becoming very anxious.  I also need to learn to cut my losses with some people and move on.  
  5. Avoiding Social Media.  Facebook is a cesspool most of the time.  I like it because it has funny stuff on it sometimes and I can keep up with friends that live far away.  I detest it because it stirs up so much BS.
  6. Exercise.  I have to start walking and/or lifting weights again.  Endorphins are cool.
  7. I have to realize that I am complete in myself.  I don’t need a partner in my life.  I’ve been doing pretty okay the last few years.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone.  Oh, how I want someone.  
  8. Because of #7 I have really be discerning about who I spend time with frequently.  Marriage #3 mostly happened because of loneliness.  I have to remember, “follow your brain; your heart is stupid as shit”.  
  9. I have to take breaks to spend time doing something for myself.  Whether it’s a walk or sitting in my garage, watching the wind make the flowers dance, or reading a book.  

 

Life is kinda hard right now.  I mean, it’s awesome, but it’s also hard.  It’ll get better though.  There are times that I much prefer being single.  I would say that is 95% of the time.  Those 5% days though are a bitch.  Will I get past it?  Damn right.  While my brain may try to self destruct my soul is all about living.